Posted in FB on 26/11, 2009.
Disclaimer: It is all fiction and a work of imagination. Not to be confused with anyone real.
Today is 26/11. Or is it India’s 9/11??? Right now in NDTV, Amrita Rao, Suneil Shetty and Akshay Kumar are speaking about national integrity and paying their odes. So are all the Media houses… Don’t Forgive, don’t forget…. runs a caption. India remembers… We will not forget… runs another. Oh shucks!!!! I just thought I can as well add an ode, albeit comical, if I can call it so. I wrote this a year back. Not in Facebook then, I mailed it to a few friends. Now in facebook, I guess I can inflict the torture on all of you. I’ve recycled it a bit, having a year’s hindsight, no doubt.
So here goes…
The indian politicians sat down today for an all party meet. Here’s what a secretely fit recorder would have had to say:
There’s a lot of chattering going on. Lalu and Paswan are bickering in a corner and there are other politicians who are speaking excitedly. Brinda Karat and Jayanti Natarajan are heard giggling.
And then all of a sudden, Sonia and Manmohan enter.
There is a classroom like silence. Sonia begins:
Sonia Gandhi: I’ve got to say that the people are enraged at the politicians.
Brinda Karat: Is it anything new?… in fact…
Shivraj Patil: er… What are we exactly here for?
Sonia: Shivrajji… To counter terrorism. I want some proactive measures taken by the government.
Shivraj: I dont think there’s anything to worry. We are in no way responsible for the terror attacks. The terrorist himself has said that he’s responsible. Nothing to worry.
Manmohan: May I speak?…
Sonia: In fact I want some measures put forward by all party members.
Lalu: v need a phaarmula to phight terrar…
Sonia: Very good. I want more such bright solutions.
Farooq Abdullah: In fact, I want the Indian hand in the terror attack probed. I dont think the Pakistanis would’ve done it. They never told me before doing this. I’m pretty sure it’s an Indian group which has done it.
Sonia: shhh… The BJP would be outraged if they hear it.
Sharad Pawar: I dont think there are any BJP members in this hall… *in hindsight, they are bickering amongst themselves.*
Manmohan: May I offer an opinion?…
Lalu: The role of tha opposison is doutful. I want it probed… Advaniji and Modi were the phirst politisians to vijit mumbai. That is what criminals do. Don’t they?
TR Balu: He is right. BJP would do anything to split the nation. That is why we split from the NDA after 6 years of trying to save the country from being split. In fact Mr. Thalaivar Karunanidhi has offered certain suggestions.
Sonia: Very good. I want more such suggestions.
Sharad pawar: What did he say?
TR Balu: That he condemns terrorist attacks in mumbai. We strongly feel it’s because of the AIADMK the attack took place. We must investigate on those lines also. If you want, our CM will take a flight to Mumbai and tell the same thing to the FBI and massage. This was how he guided the Chennai police with the law college situation.
Manmohan: Isn’t it the Mossad?
TR Balu: Whatever… if you can implement our suggestions, we can celebrate vanquishing terror in Chennai. The film stars will be called to dance. Manmohanji and Soniaji will be the chief guests. Our CM will address the state. It will go down in posterity as something unique.
Sonia: I want some more of such interesting suggestions.
Manmohan: May I speak?
Sonia: Manmohanji.. when did you come?… Anyway, please go ahead.
Manmohan: Why dont we set up an NSG base in all the four metros?
Sonia: That will be looked into. I want all the members to…
Mulayam: If we are setting up an NSG base, all communities must have a share in the allocation.
TR Balu: That is what our CM would also have said.
Paswan: How can these people say that? I wanted to be the first person to say this.
Amar Singh: Arre kya baath hai… you tell the same thing in Bihar. We’ll tell it in Uttarpradesh. Baaluji will tell it to the Tamil people.
Lalu: This is a conspracy against the nason. I want an all committee probe againt Paswan.
(Paswan shouts… Lalu retaliates. Oh!!!… it’s all getting very ugly. Both Lalu and Paswan are escorted out. Both lead their parties to dharnas)
Manmohan: I would also like to bring in a suggestion of setting up an FIA… A federal investigating agency… along the lines of the CIA.
P Chidambaram: What do have the RAW for?
Sonia: That’s a brilliant point. I want Mr. Shivraj Patil to resign. P Chidambaram will be the new Home Minister.
*PC is close to tears*
Shivraj Patil resigns and walks out.
Manmohan: Who will then be the FM?
Sonia: That’s also a brilliant point Manmohanji. You will be the next FM. *Adding in hindsight: If we do scrape through next year’s elections, we’ll relieve you and make Pranabji the FM. We can think about the defence later on. Is it very important? I have a plan. I’ll make Pratibhaji fly fighter planes and the country’ll think that the defence is in safe hands.*
Amar Singh: We cannot accept this. The congress party is having the cake and eating it too. We want a share in the ministry.
Farooq Abdullah: I dont see this meeting going anywhere. Why am I here when Kashmiris are boiling because of the Mumbai attacks. I must calm them.
D Raja (CPI): Yes… The congress is irresponsible. We don’t wish to stay here. It’s an insult to the nation.
(Brinda, Amar Singh, Mulayam, Farooq and Raja leave the hall)
TR Balu: So if that’s it, I’ll make a move. I have to brief our CM that his suggestions were accepted. He can then give a statement saying how hard he’s working for the welfare of the people of the country (he leaves).
Sharad Pawar: I guess I’ll leave. I have to meet Shashank Manohar and other BCCI officials on how to counter Mr. Dalmiya’s notice (he leaves). *In hindsight, it’s still not been resolved.*
Sonia: We’ll tell the press that we condemn the attack and you brief them on the reforms… Jayanti, you meet the press and condemn the BJP for politicising the issue. I have to urgently talk to Quattarocchi.*In hindsight,that talk has worked out the best.*